More on "McGee"

Unbeknownst to me, the "McGee and Me!" series has it's own website!

Click right here for it!

No info on the upcoming DVD's there, but it gives you a good idea of what the show was about.

And stay tuned for my new series "Reviews of Movie's I Haven't Seen, and Won't Probably See, But Know Suck". Or "RMIHSWPSKS" for short.

Next time: "The Day After Tomarrow"

The Onion used to be funny...

..now it's just another left wing mouthpiece.

5 years or so ago, their humor was pretty balanced. Oh sure, they'd rip conservatives here and there, but you got the feeling they had one or two on the staff given the searing accuracy of the "satire".

Now, apparently, they have fired everyone with even a moderately conservative viewpoint and sneak in little political barbs all in the name of "satire". It's extremely insidious and that makes it hard to clarify.

Incidentally, I don't think anyone even knows what "satire" is anymore. The people who say something extreme and then say "oh but it's satire" are almost always the ones who have no concept of it anyway.

They also have "The Onion AV Club". The mistake they make there is thinking that anyone actually cares about the Onion writers' opinions on music and movies. Typical of all self-righteous dorks they love to review weird underground bands and movies and heap praises upon them-and of course scorn anything even remotely mainstream.

I mean who are they fooling there? They are a bunch of 32 year olds who make up funny newspaper articles. Having them comment "seriously" on arts and entertainment makes about as much sense as having Carrot Top weigh in on the situation in the Middle East.

I don't get Prince

Well, Minnesota's most beloved nancy-boy is apparently making a big comeback.

No, not Kevin Sorbo—it's PRINCE!

Or the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as PRINCE!

Let me preface this all by saying PRINCE is a very talented musician-certainly more talented than I am. When he first became known in the late 1970's many thought he was the next Hendrix. Even beyond that though, he was a musical phenom. He wrote, arranged and produced his own music;he could play and play well the guitar, bass, keyboards, drums AND he could sing. Not only that, this kid was from Minnesota, a state which at that time was known primarily for Hubert H. Humphrey and deadly 12 foot Mosquitos.

So certainly PRINCE is and was a capable musician...

Yes, he is talented but so was Hitler.

And therin lies the problem.

No, I'm not equating the accomplishments of PRINCE with the nefarious deeds of Hitler, I simply mean that "talent" alone doesn't give you any merit.

I mean listen to most any Prince album and what do you hear? Complex chord changes, lydian mode scale structure, and intricate three level harmony?

Heck no, you hear Prince whooping and cooing, a bunch of techno drumbeats, lo-fi squeaks and pops and synthisizers up the heehaw. Oh and dirty dirty lyrics. Lots of dirty things, things that would make even sailors and stable boys blush.

Now I guess, for Prince's latest tour his going back to his "roots" with guitars and simplified arrangments.

However even this is pretty much a dead end for those of us searching for Prince's musical genius as he's still thrusting his crotch out, yelping and employing 35 gyrating semi-nude dancers.Yes the music has been "stripped down" but not in the way that you think.

What's my point? My point is that Prince, to me anyway, is a huge waste of talent. He's a great guitar player but he covers over it with overproduced loops and samples. He's a great singer but instead of belting out soulfull tunes he chirps, squeaks and whoops. He's a great songwriter but he spends all of his time changing his name, buying poofy shirts and oiling his thighs.

The man is a weirdo— he's like a more subdued, effete & saavy Michael Jackson.

PRINCE isn't for me. I'll stick with Gordon Lightfoot thankyouverymuch.

Fat Boy Lecroy comes through!

Twins catcher/dh hit a total clutch pinch-hit grand salami today to help the Twins defeat the pathetic-canuck-fake-baseball-team-still play on AstroTurf®-Blue Jay weenies.

Down 5-2 with the bases juiced and Lecroy comes through, unbelievable.

This is why the Twins are a good baseball team. Never say die, and play to the last out. Oh, yeah and total clutch hits help too.

And I'm sick of people saying the White Sox are a superior team. It seems like we've been hearing that for 3 years now—even after the Twins have won two division championships and continued to school the Sox.

Well that ends now. The Twins are easily the best team in the AL central and currently have the 2nd best record in all of baseball. The Sox still can't play with any kind of consistancy. (They'll win one game 10-0 and then lose two games 4-3 and 5-1).

Oh yeah and we've been without 2-4 starters throughout the whole first 6 weeks of the season.

I've never met a Luna I didn't like...

"We believe that what we put into our bodies matters; food feeds our souls, lifts our spirits, nourishes and sustains us. That's why we created LUNA, the blissfully good, whole nutrition bar for women. In just 180 calories, LUNA meets many of the specific nutritional requirements women need everyday to maintain active lifestyles. Join us in healthy, joyous living!"

This is what it says on the LUNA bar wrapper that Jake Bird sold me. LUNA, in case you didn't know, is "The Whole Nutrition Bar for Women."

My experiment today is to see what happens when a guy eats "a whole nutrition bar for women." Will my voice change? Will I experience mood swings? Will I get pregnant?

While it is unlikely that I will get pregnant simply from eating a glorified granola bar, the line about "specific nutritional requirements" does make me curious. Are there special vitamins and minerals only women can digest?

We shall soon find out as soon as I figure out how to open this wrapper...

Ah, yes there. This specific LUNA bar is called "Key Lime Pie." I'm a big fan of all things Key Lime so this should be a good test of LUNA's flavor relevancy.

The top 5 ingredients of a LUNA bar are:

1. Something called LunaPro™; which sounds more like a type of synthetic motor oil to me...LunaPro contains Soy Protein Isolate, Rice Flour and Malt Extract)

2. Next we have rolled oats. Rolled in what I might ask? Mud? Olive oil? Human feces? The wrapper does not say...

3. Soy Protein Isolate. This is weird because the LunaPro™ has Soy Protein Isolate in it too, which means I'm going to be ingesting a lot of Soy Protein Isolate and I don't even know what it is.

4. Organic Roasted Soybeans. Now we are getting into some familar territory here. I like roasted peanuts, so roasted soybeans can't be much different. Or they could be very different and I could turn into a women or maybe even die.

5. Lastly we have Soy Flour. So that's flour made up from soy beans.

Bascially this LUNA bar is comprised of stuff left in the silo long after the harvest is over and then flavored with lime.

The wrapper is open and I'm ready to examine the bar.

The bar looks vaguely like a rice crispy bar and has some sort of icing running along the bottom.

It smells like a used horse blanket dipped in Pine-Sol.

I prepare to bite in, knowing that the $1.75 I spent on this stupid thing could be money well spent, or simply another failed experiment.

Here we go...

Oh boy is this thing awful.

First of all it tastes nothing like key lime.

Secondly it's extremely heavy and dense—it's like eating a damp washcloth.

Thirdly it has a terrible NutraSweety aftertaste that gives you the sensation of sucking on a dryer sheet.

And lastly, the weird "nutrional requirements for women" have taken effect and I now have breasts. (Just kidding there, haha).

But I AM very irrational, prone to mood swings and I like to talk behind people's backs. Haha, kidding again.

I'm scared to take another bite but here goes...

Even worse than the first, my taste buds desperately seeking some sort of pleasing flavor to pacify themselves with...

On a scale of 1 to 5 I rate this LUNA bar a 1. It's certainly not edible for anyone—man, woman or beast. It make be useful for scrubbing toliets or removing baked in food on pans. The jury is still out on that however. Stay tuned.

"Krull"-no it's not that movie starring Kevin Sorbo...

Right now I'm watching the movie "Krull".

Not to be confused with the 1997 Kevin Sorbo vehicle "Kull-The Conqueror".

"Krull" was released a full decade before "Kull" and neither movie has much in common other than that they both feature numerous oily guys swinging swords. Another thing "Krull" has in common with "Kull" is that it's not a very good movie.

"Krull" was directed by the great Peter Yates, the master behind such movie classics as "For Pete's Sake" and "Mother, Jugs & Speed" which he won a record breaking 17 Oscars for—or not, either way I just ate a burrito.

The movie stars Ken Marshall, Lysette Anthony, Freddie Jones AND Francesca Annis. It's hard to imagine a time when these people were unknown actors and not the household names they are now. It's hard to imagine this, largely because these people continue to be unknown actors and are in no way household names now.

Well, I take that back, I may have heard my roommate say "Francesca Annis" sometime last November, but he may have been saying "I need a Fresca, ass."

The one actor you may recognize would be the great Liam Neeson. He holds his own in small supporting role, looking all Qui-Gonny and delivering some of the worst dialogue ever recorded onto celluloid film.

The story deals with the planet of Krull and it's two mighty kingdoms. A young prince named Colwyn "sets out on a daring journey to rescue his young bride who is held captive by the Beast®". If that sounds like a phrase taken from the back of the "Krull" VHS box, that's because it is a phrase taken from the back of the "Krull" VHS box.

Anyway, Prince Colwyn has to find the magical and legendary "Glaive". An odd, five-bladed boomerang doo-hickey with magical, mystical, laserlike properties, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not sure what happens because the movie isn't even half over yet, but frankly I don't care. I'm not sure the producers even cared, and it's pretty clear audiences didn't care either because the movie grossed approximately $11 worldwide (adjusted for inflation).

It's odd that the movie didn't do better at the box office, given the media frenzy that surrounded "Krull." Who can forget the action figures, breakfast cereals and McKrullburgers? Who can forget "The Tonight Show" on 7/28/87 when that spotted lemur from the San Diego zoo took a leak on Freddie Jones's head? And certainly no one can forget the "A-Ha" Dance remix of the the "Krull" theme, so popular at the discoteque? It was a fun and carefree time.

Oh well, "Krull" succeeds at one thing in that Kevin Sorbo is nowhere to be seen.

McGee & Me on DVD!

I've just been informed that "McGee & Me!" is coming to DVD this July! All 12 episodes will be packaged by three's in four different volumes! Oh joy!

If you were a good clean Christian kid between the ages of 7-12 in 1989-1993 "McGee & Me!" was pretty much the coolest thing ever.

It was the saga of a young man name Nicholas Martin who had a penchant for drawing cartoons. One day his latest cartoon, McGee, magically comes to life and teaches Nick various Christian values.

McGee was sort of a combination of Bart Simpson and that creepy little green martian dude who would show up on "The Flintstones" once in a while.

Clearly the best episode was episode 5: "Twister & Shout." In this one, Nick, his sisters and his best friend are home alone during a terrifying tornado. I saw this one when I was like 9 and it was basically like watching "Star Wars" for the first time. It scared and intrigued me all at the same time.

Other great episodes include episode 4: "Skate Expectations" which featured a really rad skateboard race and episode 8: "Take Me Out of the Ballgame", which featured Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser! Holy crap! There was also episode 7: "Do the Bright Thing" which was kind of the "experimental" "McGee and Me!" episode. It featured Dick Van Patten and most of it took place INSIDE Nick's head. Trippy!

The later episodes 10-12 were dubbed "The New Adventures" and were supposed to deal with more "teen" type issues. Needless to say they weren't as good but certainly had there moments.

The "McGee & Me!" Saga:

Episode 1: The Big Lie
Episode 2: A Star in the Breaking
Episode 3: The Not-So Great Escape
Episode 4: Skate Expectations
Episode 5: Twister & Shout
Episode 6: Back to the Drawing Board
Episode 7: Do the Bright Thing
Episode 8: Take Me Out of the Ballgame
Episode 9: 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas
Episode 10: In the Nick of Time
Episode 11: The Blunder Years
Episode 12: Beauty in the Least

More on "Abuse"

Now the latest charge is that we intimidated some prisoners with "scary dogs."

This is in addition to "calling them gay" and "throwing water at them." That's not abuse, that's recess.

Meanwhile they are cutting the heads off of civilians. Am I the only one who cares about this?

Oh, and the charges of "rape" and "sodomy" are largely unconfirmed.

In fact the only people bringing those abuses up are Democrats who are now against the war. Surprise Surprise. So this is basically a non-issue.

Note to Iraqi's: Please don't behead the people we send to help you

Nick Berg, an American civilian who, out of his own goodwill was trying to help the Iraqi's rebuild their pathetic country, was beheaded recently in an act of retailiation to the "torture" Iraqi prisoners have been receiving.

Torture which includes:
1. Pouring cold water on prisoners
2. Calling them "gay"
3. Assorted things that you would see at any college hazing

This shows you how screwed up our enemy is. That beheading a civilian equates to "mistreating" a surrendered soldier. We send crews of people over to rebuild their infurstructure and they slaughter them and dance on their charred bodies (see FALLUJAH).

Is the mistreatment of surrendered prisoners wrong? Absolutely. But I've got news for you. This kind of thing goes on in every war. You don't think hundreds of surrendering Germans were shot on sight or "mistreated" simply because the GI's didn't want the men who had just killed their buddies on the beach loafing around and taking their rations?
This is war. It's ugly, and this crap happens.

Yes we should follow the Geneva Convention to a "T", but isn't their something we can do now short of apologizing to the enemy?

Oh boy, I blog...

If there's one thing that this world needs it's another opinion.

This all-new World Wide Web "site" will showcase many of my ill-informed reactionary opinions.

Proceed with caution.

No, scratch that.

Proceed with plenty of fluids, to prevent cramping.